Relationships....

Relationships are hard work and for most people that’s a fact. There is no fairytale ‘happily ever after’ as we are led to think. Life does not mirror fiction, well not in most cases anyway. The idea that everything is filled with roses and candyfloss the moment you get married is the main reason why so many are left feeling sad and frustrated in their marraiges. So many focus on the Wedding itself and forget that there’s a life after that. 

I had a really beautiful wedding and I thank my wife for seeing to the minutest of details. The whole ceremony and reception was wonderful and we were blessed with having over a 1000 guests. The whole time, we felt like celebrities and it was kind of nice being in the spotlight. 

Sharm and Me with my best friend Daniel and his wife Gwen on our wedding day

Dinner for 1000 guests is not easy...

The thing though, is that it only lasts for a day and then you’ve got to carry on as a couple and work on your life together. I think people often don’t realise what they’re getting into with marriage and their expectations let them down so in the end, there is nothing left but separation and divorce. I’m not an expert in marriage and I am still learning each day but my Uncle gave me the best advise which I hold onto dearly. He told me that we should never expect anything from each other because if you do so, you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment. Good advise I think, as it's worked for me.

You see, as people, we have so many expectations of what we think will happen and what we desire to happen, that we don't even share with our spouses and when these expectations are not met, it leads to frustration and disappointment which will strain any relationship. Also, communication and being totally open with each other is vital. 

I love my wife and we’ve known each other now for 15 years. She’s still my best friend and knows me better than anyone out there including myself at times. There are days when we don’t see eye to eye and that’s normal as we come from 2 different families. The key to disagreements is to calm down, give it some time and talk. Sometimes, we forget to do that most basic of things…to just talk and connect.

What are your thoughts? Please leave a comment.

Working life...why stress about it

When I came in to the country back in December '04 to celebrate Christmas with my family, I was also hoping that I would find a job and be able to settle in New Zealand eventually. When I got married in '05, we both decided to see New Zealand and see what opportunities presented itself.

My wife was the first to find a job and was 'bringing home the bacon' for around 6months before I got my first job. That was a stressful time for me and it was especially hard since I felt completely useless as a man. I guess, I am a lot like my father in many ways. 

A friend from church offered me a temporary position in her school as a Teacher Aid and I gladly accepted it to pass the time and quite frankly, I was getting tired of  being at home all day. The job was fun  and I got to use the skills I obtained when I taught Sunday school. I always had the ability to communicate well with kids and this was a real treat. It also exposed me to New Zealand culture and the education system which is so different to what I'm used to back in Singapore. You can't compare the two systems as they are so different. 

Anyway, I must have been there 3-4 weekes when I got an offer to work . I jumped at the chance as I just wanted to start working again so we could start our life as a couple in our own place. It wasn't the most glamorous of jobs but I got on really well with my manager, Jesse who was happy with me and my work ethic. I was a Customer Service Officer.  I managed to get more and more responsibility handed to me and within a year was given the job of stock management and then got the chance to be a Customer Service Representative for a bank. 

In this role, I was able to hone my skills in Customer Service and also develop myself on a personal level. You see, I was a very reserved person and growing up, had a lot of difficulty starting a discussion,  approaching someone to talk to was a no-no and I would cry before I would do a forfeit in a game. The term introvert could not begin to describe what I was, so having to greet people and assist them while trying to have some casual conversation was nerve wrecking at first but I managed to work through it somehow. The job was hard in some ways as I was on my feet all day. I wanted more and was not sure what I could do to move from the current role. Jesse always gave me the opportunities to take on more. He eventually left that role to pursue another role within in the corporate offices.

One day I received a call from Jesse, he was wanting me to apply for a role as a Support Analyst. I was not too sure but the idea of finally being able to sit down was really enticing. I interviewed for the role to find out that the Analyst's role was supporting shops. I already knew most of the systems and applications used  if not all of them. The job offer was made within a few days and I accepted without hesitation. That was a choice I made now almost 3 years ago and today, I am a Manager within the same organisation and have been one for the last year. 

The reason I shared all this with you is because, I never knew what I wanted to do. When I was younger, I thought I wanted to be a lawyer, after watching Hollywood's version of what that entailed and the glamorous life Lawyers seemed to lead. That feeling quickly dissipated when I read Law at university. After that, I had no idea what I should do or not. I even dabbled in Design which I still love to this day. Click here for my Webpage on Design

The thing is, I believe in God and that He has a plan for each of us if we hold on to Him and trust Him. In every part of my journey so far, I have done so and believed this. Each position led to the other and the experience in one fueled the desire to do the other. I know my journey isn't over yet and there will be many doors that will either be wide open or shut really tight, but I am not going to stress over what happens as I know He holds the future and it IS good!! Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Children

Nothing in the world could have prepared me for fatherhood. No book, no video, no lecture or advise could sum up all that being a father is about. I’ve always said that when I became a father, ‘this is what I’ll be like’ and thought of the ideals we all have envisioned all our lives, the children playing in the park, the fun and laughter and whatever we saw as children on TV.

First of all, the miracle that is childbirth is such a life changing event. Well, it was for me. For months we were busy preparing for it. Getting the room ready, buying every conceivable contraption to assist the baby to sit, play, bath, eat, whatever. Reading books about what we should do and how things done while the baby was in the womb could affect him/her. Going for classes. Then when my wife went into labour, all that went out the window. I felt so helpless. I wanted to ease her pain but was unable to do so. It was heart-wrenching to see the woman you love go through so much suffering to bring your child into the world and when she was born, my respect and admiration for the woman in my life changed forever.

Nothing prepares you for it. All the preparation goes towards the woman and rightly so, but it is such a remarkable experience for the man too. I know it happens every second of every day, but witnessing the miracle that was the birth of my 1^st child was life changing. A new life, completely free of worry and completely innocent, starting out on their journey. I was there, along with my wife as our daughter took her first breath. That cry as she felt the cold air against her body that had just been cradled in the warmth of my wife’s womb all those months. She was so tiny. I remember feeling so scared to change her. Afraid that I might harm her fragile body.

The first year was all about learning to be a parent. All the rules that we had put in place before her arrival, out the window as our hearts melted every time she cried. There were so many lessons learnt and so much joy in it all and just when you think you know what you’re doing, along comes number 2!!!

My son was born just before my daughter turned 3 and while we were sure we knew what we were doing, taking lessons learnt from the first time around, we were again humbled to find out that we knew nothing. My daughter was 2 weeks overdue, my son, was premature. With our daughter, my wife had to be induced, with our son, she went into labour while still in the office. He was premature but at a healthy weight.

Over the last year and a half, we have learnt, if at all anything, that both our children are like chalk and cheese. So vastly different that you almost start thinking, this is how she was so he must be like this….

I am only now beginning to realise that we can never be certain of things as parents and most of us can only do our best for them. In the end, we learn as they grow and experience all that life has to offer, with them. Our role, to mentor and cheer them on when they need it, but mostly to love them unconditionally!!  

Me with my 'Life Coaches'

Life in a strange land...

I have lived in Wellington, New Zealand now for the last 7 odd years and it's been a strange time. I am constantly missing the sights, sounds and tastes of Malaysia and Singapore. Shouldn't this feeling have subsided by now? Is this something that I can change?

I've tried to make connections and create new memories in this place but it still feels strange. A feeling that we're just passing through is always present. I still feel I don't belong on some days and life, in the meantime, has gone on. My wife and I have 2 children under 5 who were both born here in New Zealand and while they bring such joy to us, there is always that nagging feeling at the back of our minds that suggest that maybe we shouldn't be here. Could it be the result of coming from such busy cities to the quiet streets of New Zealand? (My commute to work takes only 20mins  by bus!!)

I still count the friends and connections I had back home to be the most influential and valued relationships I have. We keep in touch and are always on each others minds. Meanwhile, I have not made any connections like these here. Don't get me wrong, I have met lots of great people and have enjoyed good conversations with lots of people but it just isn't the same. We must be tied to the people and culture of our respective birthplaces somehow.

My grandfather left India when he was a child for, as legend has it, South Africa and somehow made it to Singapore eventually and made a success of himself. I often wonder how he did it. How did he make life work for him without the constant feeling that he was 'not a local'? My parents too left Singapore for New Zealand before I did and have been here for 9years. So, I do have family here and that helps immensely as I can't imagine what it must have been like for my Grandfather.The life of a migrant is challenging and it must have been harder for him. There was no internet, Skype or Facebook and so, when he left his homeland...he really left it.

Maybe, I need to embrace where I am and look forward to the future instead of holding on to the past. Perhaps it is time to focus on the next generation and make sure they have a better life and are well equipped for it and I will do my darndest to make it happen for them but I can't help thinking that it's my life too....

My 20month old Son Zachary

 My 4year old Daughter Sevita